Today, another turbulent day for me.

The first blow was disappointment. Let me starting telling u with a tv show The Academy. In yesterday's episode, it was saying a group of police trainee ostracise one police trainee, BQ. After watching that episode, i suddenly feel a strong sense of empathy for him. Yes, empathy, not just sympathy. Because what he was facing then is exactly what i m facing now. What a plan by God!

Another blow last night was abt sth said by an EX-friend. Yes, ex-friend. I considered him as a friend the night before, since last night, he did not qualify to be my friend anymore! while writing this, i m still seething with anger! He said i m androgenous(i m not too sure abt the spelling). i was really so angry at that time that i nearly faint! But one thing i m v sure of is what he said was true, the reason is simple, when 2 ppl are quarreling, most of the time they are speaking the truth. i was truly so upset after listening to his nonsense. It must be my terribly short hair! Or it was the way i talk, the way i walk, the way i do my homework? i feel so davastated now! truly. no one was so bad to scold me such things before. i have blocked him, however he still did not want to give up. he even sent me an email to scold me! what kind of man is he? Now i realised sth, when a man starts to quarrel with u, it is the only time when he would show his true colours! Sisters, DUN BE FOOLED BY MEN!

Today i ran with Char in Tiong Bahru Park. it was the first time in my whole life that i ran for 20 mins without stopping! Yes, my personal record was broken today, 30th May 2006! all i need to thank is: Lord Jesus. The battle bw Jesus and Satan is a tough one. so we must give Jesus our full support! I like to see my whole Tshirt, even bra are damp with sweat. it gives me a sense of satisfaction. however i feel my sweat pores are not as good as char's. because she sweat more even though we ran the same distance. One question to ponder: we should set our target by time or distance?

Lord, now i have one urgent prayer request: i just hope our ties would be ok again.

Today, exuberant and angry and disappointed. I m happy because i had an enjoyable shopping trip with 12, definitely it is an enjoyable one. Dunno if the phobia still exist in her? Well, in me, it was much better!
However the disappointment was The Great Singapore Sale has no sale at all! i mean branded goods like Mango (my favorite brand) was not on sale! waht a letdown! we saw 2 mediocorp artiste too. One was in supermarket the other one was in Isetan.

an angry thing will pose tml. i m late!

I have just read the comments posted by my friends. Indeed, it was an great encouragement for me to write, letting people see your journal, i guess, is the purpose of writing in a public blog. but of course there are always exceptions.

Today i went to church. The cold in the room was so unbearable that i was trembling uncontrollably and could not focus on what Pastor Keong was talking about. At least now i quite know what to pray to God, i mean the way i say to God while praying. I should start it with "O God, bless me!". God is forever generous in giving us his blessings, of course He also gives our blessings according to our faith and purpose of asking the blessings. i feel God has a special mission for me to do, maybe be a pastor? But a worldly person like me is suitsble to be a pastor? Still could not imagine that. Anyway it all started as a dream i had a few days ago. I dreamt that i and a few fellow friends were on our way to find God. We were climbing a mountain, then there are stones or sth throwing down at us. then i could not remember what i dreamt next. What does it imply?
I just hope i have boundless wistom to understand His words and i can speak words with wistom thus preventing misleading others. Anyway i simply feel i m a person without much wistom especially in comprehending God's words and in daily social relations.

What would u do if u have some poison in your body and u have only 1 day to live? options: a) find famous doctors to cure u, not 100% u will find b)spend your last day with the person u love. c) dunno what to do, just walk around and try to recall all the memories u have in this place.
In the show Wisely, it showed that Wisely would rather spend his last day with Bai su, his sweetheart. If i were wisely, i would not be so carefree. i probably could not accept the fact that i would die soon and i would be very flustered. From all these, it only shows that i m not a rational and calm person. but i simply dun understand why i cant be as calm and rational as what the TV normally portrait those career women as? The career women or more educated ones are normally very calm and smart. Lord, does it mean actually i m destinated to be a housewife? oh no, i pray against this!

Today, i listened to my parents' advice. i went to a park and ran. All it proved was a disaster. i had a terrible stitch in the first hundreds metres i ran. unable to bear with the pain, i had to stop. then i walked slowly. After the pain had subsided, i continually to run. This time, it was even worse. I felt like vomitting. My stomach was simply uncomfortable and it was grumbling. The grumbling sound was caused by not eating any breakfast. When i wanted to vomit, nothing came out of my mouth though my togune had already sticked out. When your stomach was empty, what to vomit out? so i have learnt a valuable lesson: take breakfast before u do any vigorous exercise! Must i do stretching before it too? Please give me some tips on running. I kept on having stitches and could not breathe properly. Sometimes looking at those elderly exercising, it demoralises me. How can a 18 year old youngster could not beat an 70 year old elderly? Sigh. Shame on me.

Time to stop. Guys, all the best to your O level! Just relax and be calml. He will bless u!
Looking forward to tml!

Family ties

Today i went to Changi airport to send my parents off to China. Feel kinda of happy and sad that my parents and my 3 year old sister, Melody, are leaving. I m happy because i will have freedom in the following 21 days. no one would control me from watching too much tv, sad that well, after all, i might miss them. The most upset part of the incident is the sisterly tie between Mel and me. when the maid, Yani, and i were waving goodbyes to my sister. My sister cried. However she cried not because she could not see me for 21 days but Yani! when my mom asked mel to give us each a hug, Mel only hugged Yani but me! of course i felt very sour because i m the one who is blood related to her, is she supposed to be closer to me? anyway, it is my fault that i dont spend alot of time with her. when i spend time with her, i always teased her and kinda bullied verbally. She would always cried because she could not stand my verbal assaults like saying "cinderella is so ugly" despite that fact that i know she loves to read Cinderella stories. maybe i should spare a thought for Mel's feelings even though she is only 3 years old.

I was watching a program at HK phonex station, then it was interview the father of a gal who has some fatal illness. Her eyes are blind and her limbs could not move properly. However, her only wish is to see flag-raising in Tian An square of China. From the moment i heard this till now, i still found this so incredible. I mean how can a person be so loyal to her country
? And till now, i stil dun believe it. I think it might just be another propaganda used by the communists.
anyway whether or not it is propoganda, i was truly touched because there are so many ppl helped this little gal to fulfill her last wish. And once again, i feel i m so blessed. I m healthy and have a quite ok face. whenever i look at others' misfortunes, i would feel i m very fortunate and then i would thank God profusely. Is this the right mentality?

A friend mentioned that no one is reading my blog, my reaction is not sad or angry, but i laughed. because i found it very true and very funny. However, a fact that encourages me to write on is that some friends i dun even know come across my blog and would give comments. Those are some encouragements. Thanks Moggy.

Dun feel like writing much today. All the best to Moggy's holiday trip! i want holiday too!

We got back our report books today. Well, nothing much to comment on that as it was within my expectation. If something falls within your expectation, naturally the griveness is not that great.

Went for computer club photo-taking today. Erm, better than last year. I looked miserable last year. at least this year, i look more pleasant with broader smiles.

Today is the last lesson for British Council. Honestly speaking, throughout the whole course, my English grades have not improved but deproved. It does not worth all the money spent. Again, it came back the topic of English. Lets drop it. Dun talk about eng, but i can talk about my British Council friends. each and every of them has a very different character. HuiQi is super hardworking, however, Xiwen is very slack. Erm as for guys, Bob is very faithful to the gal he loves. Maybe every wednestday from next week onwards i would feel very boring and lonely. Hopefully we can still go out sometimes to eat and watch movie. They are a great bunch of friends.

I have just completed a novel "man and wife". Man, somehow, i feel they are so unreliable. they consistantly looking for something new. They have insatiable curiosity about women. Even though they might have the best women on earth to be their wives, they are stilll not satisfied but searching for someone better than their own wives. of course the consequence is disastrous, they lose their wives, and then later on, they would feel actually the one they chose over their wives are not that good after all. Reflecting, some women are like that too. They continuously search for their Mr.Right, however, neglected the ones that have been with them through thick and thin. Are all human beings like that? i m probably one of them, one commoner. However, as long as we have hope and we pray, God is on our side. He wont let his kids leading ruined lives.

I m getting thinner recently. i had a terrible appetite. dun really have the urge to take in the food when it is lunch time. i guess the reason would probably be i feel my figure is not good enough. Lower body is giantic, upper body is pint-sized. A typical pear-shaped body. My mom used to say woman having a big butt is beautiful and easier to give birth. however, the fashion sense seems to have changed. Now, we require a balanced body. My huge butt resulting from lack of exercises and sitting too long has to be reduced. But how? Gonig for fitness club? that is too expensive and i have no time! Or is figure that important? Squeenzing myself into that tight skirt matters alot?

What is my aspiration? It is to tour around the world before i turn 40! sounds a bit impossible right? maybe i should scale down abit, at least i must tour the 7 wonders of the world before i turn 30! that sounds more realistic for me. however, in order to do all those, i need to have money. it would be shameful if i take money from my parents to enjoy travelling. so i must have good qualification in order to make myself to stay employed in times of economic crisis. "sigh". so young then must worry so much. My hair is turning grey soon.

Demons do not seem to haunt me anymore. i still remember the time when i was so scared to sleep the night after having watched Da Vinci Code. i was afraid of demons, ghosts. all those scary thoughts just raced through my brain, preventing myself from falling asleep though the tireness. it was rather scary. however, this insomnia has become better as days passed and my faith in Him is back. Honestly, i think watching Da Vinci Code was not a wise decision. and it has proved one thing --- my Faith in him is not sufficient.

My mood was rather ok today though inevitably a bit disappointed. Agree with what Moggy said, we all have rough periods in our life. In fact, without those tough periods, isn't our life very very boring? So just simply look at the bright side of life. whatever problems i have now would seem very insignificant when i have grown up.

I seriously think i need to do something about my english. I always have the heart, but no action. TV programms are always the one keep me preoccupied. There is no any time nor energy left for studying english. feeling truly very disappointed in myself because i could not exercise self-countrol well. Without self-control, nothing ambitious could be acheived. My dream as a lawyer would soon vanish too.

Have just watched Da Vinci Code yesterday. i dun fully understand the story in the sense that there are so many new terms i need to adapt to and honestly speaking, i dunno my religion well. it is such a shame for a chirsitian to say she does not know her religion well. I think the most fundamental reason would be i started this religion only a few years ago whereas friends youngsters started at a young age. Even some basic bible stories, i have no idea about them. so i m trying hard to pester a church friend to explain the bible stories to me in hope of catching up what i have missed all those years.

Although i started late, i m still very grateful that He had let me know Him, believe in Him and trust in Him. Whatever i have now are all God's grace. talk about grace, i truly feel the grace God gave me. I was reading an article in a magazine today, it was talking about this little gal is turning into stone soon if she could not find a suitable bone marrow. The magazine published her photo. Supposedly she is an Indian, however, she looks like an alien in it. her face is distorted. she simply does not look like a normal kid. Yes, normal kid. Aren't we be blessed to be normal? Parents always wish their children to be genius, however, i simply i have one wish for my children --- to be normal. with a normal health, normal look, normal brain. Lord, i m praying now that this little gal would soon find a suitable bone marrow soon, so that she can continue live in this world.

Although i said i have already overcome it, the fact is, i still havent. only i know, maybe she knows, God definitely knows. The emotional struggle is terrible. but what can i do? NOTHING. but letting things going on this way is torturous. What can i do? NOTHING. So i can only console myself by saying "let nature take its course" and "God has His plans".

Dunno why everytime before switching the computer on, my heart always races. Probably i was expecting something, but well, most of the time i got disappointed. So what is the thing that i m expecting? Better not to tell here in a public blog.

As for today's mood, it was a turbulent one. It mainly consists of lows, ultra lows, and average. I dun feel high today although i was supposed to. I guess the lows and ultra lows are mainly due to the disappointment several people gave me since last night till now. Yes, even now, my mood is dim. i realised now that many things simply do not go the way yuo expect them to be. When you thought everyone is fine, but actually it is not. Some problems can never be solved; some problems can be solved very easily. but my problems seem to be the first case.

What others think of you is not important, even though they do not treat you as their close/good friends, it does not matter too. What matter is i m still God's child and he will still take care of me. I might be just one passer-by in those so-called friends' lives. So why are their opinions important to me?

Watched a HK series just now. It was saying a model got AIDs after sleeping with a guy. She was forced to sleep with him in order to win some prize. How sad. Is fame that important? More important than your soul? Sleeping with a man whom you have no love and sleeping for the purpose of fame is like you have betrayed your soul. Love for materialism is indeed very common among young gals, but i m glad that few are like this model who slept with a stranger for fame and money. it seems that our priority is still correct.

Have i ever let anyone down before? i guess i surely do. but who? kinda want to know. it would be interesting if i can compile a list of people i have let down.

i cried so bitterly today while i was watching "ji zheng shi 24 hours". It was talking about an earthquake in Tokyo, many people were dead and injured. Basically the show focused on what happened in a hospital. it showed the way how doctors and nurses treated the patients. A particularly touching story was a doctor acted by Nanakom lost her fiance in the earthquake. then she sent his body back to his hometown. Being able to leave Tokyo was not easy as the authorities restricted the number of people leaving to avoid chaos. After leaving Tokyo, the thing that surprised me the most was that she came back to Toyko to save people, to contuiinue live in a place where there was not enough water nor food. I cried when Nanakom stepped inside the hospital again, everyone was staring at her in awe. The music played stirred my emotion alot. Tears just did not listen to my command. There are 2 reasons i cried the first one is because i was truly so touched by Nanakom's acting, when i saw her cry, i cried too. The second reason is i was touched by the young doctor's determination and strong-will. Having just lost her beloved fiance, she could be able to pick herself up so fast. She simply had one aim --- save the people. I guess if i were her, i would not be so strong. I cried at how weak i would be when facing such situations.

In real life, are people really that strong or dramas only show the good sides of people? No matter what, i still feel there is a large gap between her and me. To be like her, maybe i would take more than ten years. i m so weak-willed, so vulnerable.

祸从口出, so we must be careful when talking.

We got back around half of the mid-year papers. i truly feel blessed by His grace. the thing that shocked me most is my combined humans. Although it is not an A1 grade, i feel satisfied. what is important is not how much u get, but how much you have improved. A quote from Kellie Tecjo "the biggest competitor is youself".

However, for those who have not improved, dun be too disappointed. A quote from Willian Hang, "I have already tried my best, i have no regrets". As for the 2 hundans, dun be too disappointed, ok?

Although i have quite a few Bs, i thank God for His grace. what grades you are given is destinated by Lord. We must be happy with His plan. Feeling disappointed is inevitable, however, letting this feelings control you is very wrong. Just wonder if you feel furious at your marks, is it a show of how little faith you have? God gives credits according to how much you have done. So one lesson God taught me in this mid-year is: start preparing early.

I suddenly remembered of a girl who is academically inclined, however, she is very quiet. Just wonder society prefers ppl like the gal or ppl who are more sociable but with not exceptionally good grades? i thin all-rounded is what a society needs. thinking of that, i feel relieved.

i learnt alot today. thank you for this talk and being honest with me. i truly appreciate it.