Yesterday, once again proved that my mind and heart go separate ways. they dont tally each other. honestly, i feel quite troubled by it because no matter how much u reason to yourself about certain things, you still cant explain why your heart feels a different way. why are we structured this way??

Today i dozed off during service! how lousy! now i had a terrible neck pain due to the sleeping-sitting position i had in church. The air-con was so cold that i was trembling and my hand was ice-cold. how i wish there is someone to lend me her coat!!!

Today i realised how terrible it felt when there is someone kept on nagging and nagging. i felt like putting some cotton wool in my ears so that i can have some peace and need not hear what already know again. it makes me feel i m stupid.

The good news is my leg muscles have almost fully recovered. it does not ache that much. however, i was just wondering what would happen after the mass dance has started.

Today is a boring day, just wanna slack and slack.

Message: can any message be more touching than this?

Daniel: I guess we are the left overs in this world.

Jasmine: I think so.. All of my friends have boyfriends & we are the only 2 persons 牋牋牋牋牋牋牋 left in this world without any special someone in our lives.

Daniel: Yup! I don't know what to do. Jasmine: I know! We'll play a game.

Daniel: What game?

Jasmine: I'll be your girlfriend for 30 days & you will be my boyfriend.

Daniel: That's a great plan in fact, I don't have anything to do for the following weeks..

DAY 1: They watched their first movie together & were both touched in the romantic film.

DAY 4: They went to the beach & had a picnic... Daniel & Jasmine had their quality time together.

DAY 12: Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they went to a Horror House.. Jasmine was scared and she tried to touch Daniel's hand but by accident she touched someone else's and they both laughed..

DAY 14: They?saw a fortune teller down the road and asked for their future. The fortune teller said: "My darlings, please don't waste the time of your?lives... spend your time together happily." Then tears flow from the?teller's eyes.

DAY 20: Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor... Jasmine mumbled something.

DAY 28: They rode on a bus and because of the bumpy road, Jasmine gave her first kiss to Daniel by accident.

DAY 29: 11:37 pm Daniel & Jasmine were sitting in the park where they first decided to play this game...

Daniel: I'm tired Jasmine... do you want any drinks? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go 牋牋牋牋牋 down the road..

Jasmine: Apple juice would be fine,thanks.

Daniel: Wait for me... 20 minutes later... a stranger?approached Jasmine.

Stranger: Are you a friend of Daniel?

Jasmine: Yes, why? What happened?

Stranger: A reckless drunken driver ran over Daniel & he is critical in the hospital. 11:57pm The doctor came out from the emergency room & handed out an apple juice & a letter to Jasmine.

Doctor: We found this in Daniel's pocket.
Jasmine read the letter which says: Jasmine,?this past few days, I realized you are really a cute girl & I am falling for you.. your cherished smile, your everything when we played?this game.. & before this game ends, I would like you to be my?girlfriend for the rest of my life. I love you, Jasmine... Jasmine crumples the paper & shouted.. "Daniel!?I don't want you to die...I love you... Remember that night we saw a meteor? I mumbled something.. I wished that we would be together?forever & never end this game. Please don't leave me, Daniel... I?love you, you cannot do this to me Then the clock strikes 12 Daniel's heart stop pumping THEN IT WAS THE 30th DAY... ************************************************************************************ Always?love your loved ones & show them how you feel before it's too?late.. You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace..?If you were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion?& love to your love ones, today is the day. Love them while they?are still here...

today, dunno how 2 say. when u dunno how to say. the best to is not to say. but after tidying my thoughts abit, i still dun understand why i behave this way.it must be PMS which worsened my control of mood.

it must be the irritants. the people. the incidents. there are indeed many inconsiderate people in our school, to be more specific, our class. kinda disappointed. but think carefully, i should not be surprised by her comments since similar incidents happened before. sigh. we jus live in a community consist of different people with different character. learning not to take them to hearts and let it affect my mood is the only path of being happy. just accept the facts. that simple. but saying is always easier than getting it done. it is tough to do ar.

having lower expectations in others will also make ourselves happier. of course this line is not only for me, it is for many others too. i m kinda proud of myself today. i can actually swallow the anger down and not explode!!! this is the first step of controlling my emotions when seeing things tt would irritate me.

the incidents of acts of those people to me are like air irritants to Laurel, when she inhaled it, she would cough nonstop. it is also the same to me, when i see irritants, i would pull a black face. however, today, I DID IT!

Talked to sarah just now. well, it has been so long since we last talked! erm. i also saw the serious side of her. everyone has 2 sides. for some, they have more. how many sides do you have?

we went to the com lab 2 for cme. well, it was a very interesting experience.
we went to this website and from there, we can know what kind of job is suitable for us. to my shock, it says hairstylist, cabin crew and security dealer is suitable for me! how strange. anyway, one thing for sure is that the 3 listed above will never be my choice of carrer.

taking the test now is not the appropriate time yet. we are only in sec 4 and well, most often than not, we dun even know exactly what we want. take me for example, i used to want 2 be a doctor, then lawyer, then engineer, then accountant, and now, managers. our interests are changing every now and then, and the world economy is changing as well. Maybe in the future a locksmith can be a millionare? who knows what is going to happen in the future? all are in God's hands.

heard that prelim is in 50 days time. maybe it is time to buck up now. but now? everyday i m so tired and well, sleepy. i need a louder alarm clock!!! i need it to wake me up from my sound sleep!! help me help me!!! can some kind souls lend me one?? or be my human alarm clock??

Gastric pain was haunting me today. there was always something wrong with my stomach recently. it must be due to the eating disorder i had nowadays. sigh.

Now i m facing a difficult task. It was testing my patience. Testing how long can i endure the unendurable. how long i can keep it inside my heart and not voice it out. though depressed it made me, i will still tahan through tomorrow.
but as days go by, my confidence level is also dropping. Since monday, the confidence level has already dropped by half. i dunno how much is left now. the thought of it makes me shiver. how horrendous the ending would be! but it might be a relief for her, so why not?

today, i really feel a mixture of feelings. i feel someone is leaving me. someone i have known very well is going to leave me.
Sometimes 2 people leave each other is an inevitable thing. maybe it is just a matter of time. sometimes what human beings are able to do is really very little. we cant control a person's life and death, we cant control someone we love from changing their hearts, we cant control what others think of us, we cant make others love us more. we are merely human beings, we can only try to present our very best in hope that our loved ones would not change their hearts and they would love us even more. Human beings, greedy creatures, have endless desires for things, especially LOVE, time and attention from your loved ones.

things are so complicated, my simple brain cant figure thing out. cant find a concrete solution, what i m capable of is just to cry it out in hope to feel better. sigh. hope everything would be fine soon.

Words cant describe my guilt today. I thought i have always understood what it means by "treasure who is beside you", however, my little understanding of the phrase is only revealed today. Sometimes i really hate what i have done which was not welcomed by others and i hate that i failed to do what i should have done.

A friend, too, repeated the same mistake as I. sometimes i was wondering what is inside her heart. Keeping herself so well and i m sorry to say this, sometimes i really cant differentiate which is her true feelings. of course i do feel being cheated by her, but whether or not i understand what this friend is thinking is not important, what is important is her loved ones understand her. I somehow sympathise with the people who treated her so well. It seems she does not treasure the ones who truly loves her. dunno how would her friend feels if she knows all her effort has gone to waste. anyway, i have no right to judge other people's affairs. Stay out of others business is probably the best way of being neutral.

Magnifying glass, i m sorry!!!!

A good news: the teacher let me off. My worry last night was purely unnecessary. worry wont help!

dunno why, after listening to Pastor Keong's talk, i m no longer against him. i was very glad that he shared what he had went through in the past 5 years with us. he told us that in the year 2001, the whole singapore was talking about revival. however it did not happen. one pastor friend of his even committed adultery and all. i could sense the disappointment in his voice. i used to think Pastor Keong was a arrogant person who always talked about how much he loves God and he simply talked about himself, however, after today, i realised he is sincere in whatever he talks. He spent 2 hours everyday praying for Singapore. feeling guilty, i seldom pray for Singapore. maybe i dun see the big picture, it reveals my immaturity.
In today's service, he basically talked about in the past 4 or 5 years, what the church went though. How FCBC became the fastest expending church in Singapore and how FCBC goes to other countries each year to spread christianality. somehow i m touched by his LOVE for the religion. comparing with him, i m so vulnerable. i gave up so easily when facing rejection from others as i was trying to convert them. basically, it just says one thing: i m spiritually not mature enough and have not enough faith in him and not enough faith to be a disciplined christian.

Today i met up with a church friend and chatted with her. i m worried about her health. Why must God do such a thing to such a faithful christian? unfaithful christians like me arent supposed to suffer worse fate? and her boss, age, 55, has recently discovered to have breast cancer. Her husband and son were very sad and as for herself, no doubt, very despondent. honestly, i m afraid too. i might seem very healthy now, but who knows what hidden diseases i have in me? like her boss, by the time she discovered about her breast cancer, it was kinda too late. the doc says they have to cut off the whole breast. Isnt it very upset? a woman without a breast. It will first destroy her confidence. hopefully her confidence will be regained soon after the operation. even though how successful we might be in our career, how academically inclined in our studies, one thing no matter how much effort we spend also will not change the fact is: our health is not in our hands.

I simply wish i m free from all those diseases and illness. i still want to live longer.

Recently, i m kinda struggling with my academics. dunno why, i attempted the A math questions and discovered there are actually so many questions i could not answer. i did not grasp the knowledge well. sigh. my future seems bleak.

yesterday was my birthday. it came fast and went away fast too. Yesterday, i tried to forget about all the unhappy incidents in my life and wanted my 18th birthday to be a happy one. Indeed, i was quiet happy. In the morning, 2 hundans gave me a surprise ---- a pink hat! and then the only non-hundan in our clique gave me a little fragrant note which recorded down all her wishes for me. Thanks lots!

Then in the afternoon, i had taken English Mock Exam and E math test. What a birthday present! but i feel i had done quite ok for math, as for English, it was only uncertainty of whether or not i can pass it.

Of course as usual, there are always some traces of unhappy things happening even on my 18th birthday. i had a little conflicts with a friend but later on, before 5th july came, we sort of patched up. so at least, it did not leave me with that many regrets.

And besides studying hard for my O level in the rest of the year, i also have one secret little wish that is i wish i could develop bigger tolerance for people i dont like, for things which i considered as eyesore. Accepting things which i dont like is also one part that i need to learn. Basically, LEARN summarises my plan for the next half of 2006. Learn knowledge, learn social skills, learn to be tolerant. So much to learn and so much to tolerate! There is this Chinese saying " in order to succeed, you have to tolerate what others cant tolerate". Now, i m in the process of changing. hope i wont disappoint u and myself.

As for the day before my birthday, 3rd july, i went out with my 4c1 clique and sort of celebrated. We ate in Coffee Club which costed my around 25 bucks! The chocolate fondue was delicious.... Thanks for eating the banana away..... it prevents constipation.... i m sure u benefited from it........ then we took some pictures outside coffee club. It was fabulous! Taking photo with a group of people who are in the mood of taking photo is MUCH better than taking photo with someone who was unwilling to take. So I think i look quite beautiful in it. so are my clique!
Then later, the non-hundan treated my SUPERMAN RETURNS. Thanks you! As for the movie, personally i think the storyline is disappointing except the woman is pretty and the boy is cute and Superman is muscular.
Think about all the MAN in movies, Spiderman, Batman, X-man, and now Superman. To me, they are all the same. all about saving people and the world. Cant it be more creative? i have to apologise to all the MAN fans.

As for today, 5th july, erm. hard to say my feelings as today i felt sweet and bitter. Kinda miss the 2 hundans, without them, something is missing. No one disturbs Magnifying Glass and no one squabble with me. 2 of u! better get well soon!!! MRS RUPA misses u! MR LIM misses u!!! And we also miss U!